Be on Time..

Taken from Rex Barker's Joke of the Day mailer

After twenty-five years in the same parish, Father O'Malley was saying his farewells at his retirement dinner. An eminent member of the congregation - a leading politician - had been asked to make a presentation and a short speech, but was late arriving. So the priest took it upon himself to fill the time, and stood up to the microphone:

"I remember the first confession I heard here twenty-five years ago and it worried me as to what sort of place I'd come to... That first confession remains the worst I've ever heard. The chap confessed that he'd stolen a TV set from a neighbor and lied to the police when questioned, successfully blaming it on a local scallywag. He said that he'd stolen money from his parents and from his employer; that he'd had affairs with several of his friends' wives; that he'd taken hard drugs, and had slept with another woman and given her a disease.

You can imagine what I thought... However I'm pleased to say that as the days passed I soon realized that this sad fellow was a frightful exception and that this parish was indeed a wonderful place full of kind and decent people..."

At this point the politician arrived and apologized for being late, and keen to take the stage, he immediately stepped up to the microphone and pulled his speech from his pocket: "I'll always remember when Father O'Malley first came to our parish," said the politician, "In fact, I'm pretty certain that I was the first person in the parish that he heard in confession....."

Being on time is a virtue. It shows you that first of all you respect yourself and your own time, and that you take life seriously. It also shows others that you respect them and value their time. If you are a perennially late person, push yourself hard to be on time for just days --- and then see if you feel better about yourself.

Quote of the day - 30th December 2008

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.
- Winston Churchill

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
- Will Rogers

Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right or left instead of right or wrong.
- Richard Armour

The straight line promised me a destination but I was interested in a journey!

Tell me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand.
- Chinese Proverb

As long as teachers give tests, there will always be prayer in schools.
- Anonymous

"Opinions are like hand watches. Everyone's watch shows different time from others.
But, Everyone believe that their time is correct. "

Best of Late Night Shows - I

"Barack Obama is on vacation in Hawaii right now. And today many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you're thinking of things to be thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless John McCain." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office." --Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week. To which President Bush said, 'You know, I prefer spending my Christmases right here in the United States.'" --Jay Leno

"Everyone's talking about the American auto industry right now. A new study just came out and found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety rating. Of all the cars, yeah. Yeah, apparently, Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer's lot." --Conan O'Brien

During the debate, John McCain sparked a controversy when he referred to Barack Obama as "that one." Afterwards, McCain said, "What — like I’m supposed to remember everyone's name now?”

Yesterday, President Bush gave a speech on the economic crisis. The title of Bush's speech: "Two More Months and It Ain't My Problem."

-Conan O'Brien

President Bush arrived in Beijing today. I don’t think he really gets the Olympics. When they asked him if he liked the decathlon, he said that he prefers regular coffee.

-Jay Leno

Quotes of the day - December 29, 2008

Of the most people who say nothing, only some are silent. - Thomas Neil

Whatever God's dream about man may be, it seems certain it cannot come true unless man cooperates. -- Stella Terrill Mann

If you always live with those who are lame, you will yourself learn to limp.--FROM THE LATIN.

Quotes of the day - 24th December 2008

I can resist anything but temptation.
-- Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act I

Be to her virtues very kind. Be to her faults a little blind.
-- Matthew Prior

I've learned that you can't have everything and do everything at the same time.
-- Oprah Winfrey, O Magazine, April 2003

If you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness.
-- Julie-Jeanne-Eleonore de Lespinasse, O Magazine, October 2002

Quote of the day - 23 December, 2008

Every person has a child within themselves that they want to be pampered
--Day Dreamer

Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault.
-- Dr. David M. Burns

Like an ability or a muscle, hearing your inner wisdom is strengthened by doing it.
-- Robbie Gass

Quote of the day - December 19, 2008

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
-- Erica Jong

Change your thoughts and you change your world.
-- Norman Vincent Peale

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. And on a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

How much does Children cost ???

This mail is taken from Rex Barkers jokeoftheday.com mailer

Rex Barker here with, "How Much Do Children Cost?" sent to us by Dads23...

With the holidays upon us, and lots of money being spent on children, we are tempted to ask the question how much do children cost?

The US government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle-income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.

But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:

* $8,896.66 a year or * $741.38 a month
* $171.08 a week. Or * That's a mere $24.24 a day!
* Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite.

So What do You Get for Your $160,140?

* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of God every day.
* More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
* A hand to hold which is usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:
* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
* taking the training wheels off a bike,
* removing a splinter,
* filling a wading pool,

You get a front row seat to history to witness the:
* first step, first word, first date, and first time behind the wheel.

But most important, you gain immortality. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits; so one day they will like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!

Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren...

Quotes of the day - December 18, 2008

The great thing in this world is not so much where you stand, as in what direction you are moving.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.
-- Sam Ewing

If you go in for argument, take care of your temper. Your logic, if you have any, will take care of itself.
-- Joseph Farrell

Quote of the day - 14th December 2008

The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.
-- Oprah Winfrey, O Magazine

It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world.
-- Al Franken, 'Stuart Saves His Family'

The game of life is the game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later, with astounding accuracy.
-- Florence Shinn

How can I make the Best of this?

Taken from Rex Barker - Joke of the day.com mailer

Most anything that happens can be useful to you, or it can set you back, depending primarily on what you make of it.

Get into the habit of asking yourself "How can I make the best of this?" For example, a few hours ago I jumped into my car to make a 10-minute run to the post office. Along the way, a large bolt became imbedded in my right front tire. Now I'm sitting in the waiting room of a tire dealer, getting the damage repaired.

I could have spent a few hours fretting about the loss of my time, and how unfair it was. And I must admit, I did spend a few minutes in that mode. But then I asked myself, "How can I make the best of this?" The answer -- get out a pen and paper and write this message.

The various circumstances in which you find yourself can serve as excuses, or they can be turned into opportunities. What's great about the time and place in which you find yourself? The answer is . . . whatever you make of it.

Its Worth it....

Horror gripped the heart of a World War-I soldier, as he saw his lifelong friend fall in battle. The soldier asked his Lieutenant if he could go out to bring his fallen comrade back.

"You can go," said the Lieutenant, "but don't think it will be worth it .Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your life away."

The Lieutenant's words didn't matter, and the soldier went anyway.
Miraculously, he managed to reach his friend, hoisted him onto his shoulder and brought him back to their company's trench.
The officer checked the wounded soldier, then looked kindly at his friend.
" I told you it wouldn't be worth it," he said. "Your friend is dead and you are mortally wounded."
"It was worth it, Sir," said the soldier.
"What do you mean by worth it?" responded the Lieutenant. "Your friend is dead."
"Yes Sir," the soldier answered, "but it was worth it because when I got to him, he was still alive and I
had the satisfaction of hearing him say.......

" Man...I knew you would come ! "

Love @ First Sight...

Quote of the Day - 5th December 2008

One of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, we build the trust of those who are present.
-- Stephen Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

That's the key to having it all: stop expecting it to look like what you thought it was going to look like.
-- Cindy Chupack, Sex and the City, Plus One Is The Loneliest Number, 2002